“I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear, I will let it pass through me.” ~Leto Atreides (Children of Dune)
This quote speaks to me in ways I never thought possible. I never thought I’d have the courage to actually face my fears. I went for years with low self-esteem thinking I was never good enough, always afraid of what others thought. Writing was a way to make my dreams come true, although I never thought I’d actually get published. I lived through the characters in my books, they were bolder, brighter, braver, and more brilliant than I thought I could ever be.
I had told stories to my family and friends stories throughout my life. Some of them they rolled their eyes at, others they got so enthralled in that they didn’t want me to stop. I’d continue the story on for days, and that was how the Celtic Rose Saga was born. I told the story to my cousin first and he would act out different scenes for me. I’d laugh so hard at that I rolled out of the big wooden swing I’d been laying across. He thought I should tell the story to others so I did. Eventually I had many people telling me I should write a book. I loved to type so this request was definitely something I wanted to do. It would give me an excuse to type endlessly, so that’s what I did. I started writing the stories out on first an electric typewriter, and eventually a big bulky computer…yes I’m old enough to remember a time without computers and cell phones, albeit not clearly but I do none-the-less. haha
When I went to college I had access to my first real computer so when my school work was done I would spend any free time I had writing on my books. At that time I had started splitting it up into around fifteen books, but as I wrote I would get stuck on one part and wanted to write another so I did. I ended up turning it into a trilogy and by the time college ended I had over half of all three nearly complete. If I remember correctly the first story was very close to be complete. …This is where it gets a bit hairy and sad, but I promise the story will pick up and be peppy again shortly. I got married to a man I had known for nearly two years, he was charming, loving, and made me feel like I was the most important girl in the world. Fairy tail story, right? …Not so much. It’s the same old story, we married, he changed, blah, blah, blah…They say you can talk about it without crying or getting upset when you’ve healed. I’m healed. Anyway, he burned my manuscripts and I gave up that dream. Who was gonna believe in this small town gal and help me rise to the top, no one.
Well I got pregnant and momma bear took over. I wasn’t taking his stuff anymore and with the help of my grandparents (My grandfather was the retired chief of police/ex-military type, and Granny was a shotgun granny/former dispatcher-bar owner-truck driver, yeah scary folks) we got him out and I was free to raise my son in peace. I went back to college and got another degree along with finishing the first degree that I never got the science, math, english, and history credits for. It was a liberating and awesome time. I took speech in college and got better at public speaking. I started coming out of my cocoon and became a beautiful social butterfly, if not still a tiny bit of an introvert as I prefer to stay at home in quiet still.
So here is where the story blossoms. I started getting braver, bolder, brighter, and more brilliant, just like my characters. Sorry if that sounds proud or arrogant. I’m still under the impression that I’m not the best, but I have a bit more confidence than I used to have. I believe it has to do with experiences helping to make me stronger, more patient, and willing to take risks. I started writing again, but this time the story came out sounding so much better than the first time I wrote it. The first time it was written you could tell it was being put together by an inexperienced youth. So that got me to thinking that maybe it was a good thing the ex burned them up, because I was able to start over and create something so much better.
Because of my risks I found a wonderful small press publisher, I got Creed (the band) to let me use them in my second book of which I am eternally grateful, I have spoken to Skillet’s manager about using them, but that fell through, I have gathered the courage to talk to many famous people by going to cons and such, I have flirted with Norman Reedus, and was made to feel like a princess by the members of Celtic Thunder, who spoke and flirted with me, made me stop breathing by breaking my personal bubble, and rendered me unable to speak by telling me they love my smile. There is so much one can do by facing their fear, that is why this quote is the one I live by now. I’ll tell you more about my fear facing moments, but that’s another story and I’m afraid I’m out of time for today.
God Bless my Jumpin Jillhosophet Journeyers!